Becoming Me

misc, misc, misc

2011-07-11T10:49:00.000-07:00

All moved into Mom and Dad's. Pretty much settled. Brian seems to have adjusted well to the home here. I made pictures of each of his 5 daughters and hung them up in our bedroom. Brought tears in his eyes. He loves his girls so much and misses them terribly. There is a lot of history behind some of the relationships with them and hopes someday to be able to get them all together again. They are all strong beautiful women and are all destined to "go places". He is very proud of each of them and brags about them all the time.
Brian is working for a framer in the Twin Cities. Not the easiest guy to work for but Brian tries to bring his positive attitude and sense of humor to each day at work. Poor guy hasn't had to pay state taxes in the past 30 years and found out what fun it is to live in a state that takes about 1/3 of his paycheck. He was not a very happy camper with that one. We are trying to find ways to earn extra money to get his stuff moved up to MN. My daughter has a lead on a trailer and semi with someone to drive it but the gas might cost more than we have. (Which at this point is zero) But when it is to happen the Lord will help us find a way.

I am getting excited for school to start up again. Knowing I only have 4 semesters left is very encouraging. I really enjoy my classmates also. Out of 250+ applicants only 40 make it in the program each semester, and then we are with that group throughout the program. It will make us all pretty tight and develop life long friendships with each other.

I am trying to find a place to schedule my Certified Nursing Asst test out. I've left messages at Anoka tech and St. Cloud tech. Since I am a nursing student I do not have to retake the classes for becoming a nursing assistant. (Also I was one for over 25 years). I can make a lot more money as a nursing asst than in my current jobs. Although I do love working with people from all over the country. It has been an amazing experience. I do know that accounting is NOT my thing, as far as charging people for their rooms, etc. But I am getting the hang of it. Wish I could work more day shifts instead of the evening shifts though. Going to be tough when school starts and I need to get up "early" everyday instead of sleeping in.

My car is having issues and I have been trying to get my ex to give me the car my daughter was driving. It is becoming a struggle. We did not list the cars in the divorce decree so they are legally still in both of our names. All I can say is- I know I made the right decision to move on. Enough said.

Love living on the river. Waking up here is like being in a resort. Absolutely gorgeous.

Oh well, everything happens for a reason.

2011-06-20T09:36:00.000-07:00

Two more days to work this week, then it is time to start packing up my Becker home and move to my Monticello home. I am planning on packing as much stuff as possible toward weeks end so I can move this weekend back to Monticello. I never in a million years thought that at my age I would be moving back in with my Mom and Dad. They are pretty much the most awesome parents ever!!! so moving in there will be good. They have been a Godsend for me during this transition phase of my life. Everything happens for a reason!

Work is going well. Although I do have to say that I will be glad when I am back in school and can cut back on the hours at the hotels. It is kind of like managing two separate homes~ I do laundry, dust, vacuum, inspect for cleanliness, keep guests comfortable and happy, and manage money in/out. I do know that I do NOT like the money part. Each hotel has a different accounting system and while I do fine with them, it is hard to remember each when I only work 1-2 days at each. Wish I could do all my hours at one place. Oh well, everything happens for a reason.

My sister sold her van (which I have been driving) to my daughter. Brian has been taking my car back and forth to work. Now I am without a vehicle again. I may try to take my daughter's car for a couple months til we are caught up on money well enough to get Brian's cars from TX up to MN. They can't be driven cuz he is in the process of fixing both. UGH! We will have to rent a trailer and haul them home. Oh well, everything happens for a reason.

School starts again in 2 months. I am excited to get back into the swing of things again. I miss my friends from school. I also am very anxious to get done with the program so I can start working as a nurse. 4 more semesters to go and I will graduate with my BSN!! Can't wait for May 2013. Sometimes I wish they went straight through the summers so I could get done even faster. Oh well, everything happens for a reason.

Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand." - John 13:7 When you don't understand why something happened, stay strong. He has a plan for you.

Life is Good!

2011-06-15T09:05:00.000-07:00

Well I'm back home. Back to reality. So many things to do...so little money to get it all done.

Flew in to TX on Wed and just chilled the first day. We both had been working a lot and not getting any days off together. It was nice to spend a day doing absolutely nothing...although I get bored easily and one day of that was enough for me.

Thursday we went to Brian's oldest daughter's home to get the go through the shed and organize what stuff was his and get it into one spot so we could move it on Saturday. Due to unfortunate circumstances she has to sell her home and he had some stuff stored there from when he had a house.

Friday we went out with a friend of his and his wife. All I can say is I really like Chambord in margaritas! But when we got our bill for the night the waitress had many additional drinks and charges on everyone's bills. This waitress actually stuck a straw into our glass of Chambord and took a sip! Without asking nonetheless. She also drank 1/2 of one she brought out later. I think she is not in the right profession. We did get the bill straightened out but I'm not sure we would go back there again.

Saturday we spent at Ambre's getting all of Brain's stuff out of there for her open house on Sunday. I do have to say, I am impressed with his "packing skills". We got it all in one load but it was a lot of work. Brian has 2 garages in Waxahachie and they are both filled. It did give me the opportunity to work outside in 100 degree weather and get a good tan!! Should have thought about sunscreen...lol.

Sunday was a chill and do nothing much day again. Brian was pretty stiff and sore from all the moving, loading and unloading the day before. We had two of his daughters come over for taco dinner and just visit for the afternoon. They are both beautiful young women. Both in school going for their bachelor's degrees online. They have both had to deal with a lot of drama in their lives but I think both are on their way to bigger and better things. The journey is a learning experience though.

Monday we had no plans. Went to check out a piece of property he owns. He hadn't been there in about 8 years. It was in an area that was supposed to get developed into a subdivision...it didn't happen. So now it is a desolate overgrown area. As we walked to find where is "plot" was we actually had vultures circling overhead! We also saw cougar tracks in the dried mud. So I figured if I didn't make it out or something happened to me, either the wild cats would get me or the vultures!!

Monday~ after we left the property we decided to head down the highway to see the 63+ foot tall statue of Sam Houston. It was pretty cool. Then as we were driving (to where I thought was home) I found out Brian was taking me to the Gulf of Mexico to watch the sunset. Only 280 miles one way! What a surprise. We went to Galveston Island and sat on the end of a pier to watch the sun go down. Beautiful and romantic. Then it was out for supper and back to Waxahachie~ got home about 2am.

Tuesday was the day to get ready to head back to MN. Get the apartment ready for "no occupancy" until we would return to move all his stuff to MN. We are going to need a semi truck/trailer. He has 2 vehicles (neither is running at the moment) and TX sized furniture!! Oh my. Need to save money to pay for that. Now comes the big waiting game of - when will they apt get subleased so we don't have to continue to pay rent etc... and save money to move all his stuff all at the same time.

We are going to be moving into my mom and dad's soon. I feel like I have taken advantage of my stay at my sister's too long. When it was just me here, I felt that it was a good place and good fit for me. My sister has been so amazing and a strong shoulder for me. She is one of my biggest support systems out there. She would do anything and everything for family. She is awesome that way. I just don't feel like I can have Brian living here with me. She has not said anything about it, but I just think it is a lot to ask of her. I will miss my "pine box" (which is what I call my basement apt. It is so pretty. They finished it off with pine tongue and groove and I feel like "up north". Wish we didn't have to leave but I think getting a bit more space at my mom and dad's will be good. I work most of my hours in Monticello so it will help on gas. I also love living on the Mississippi! We just need to find a day we both have off together to move out of Beth's and into Mom/Dad's.

For someone like me who never liked change, I am getting used to "going with the flow" and just enjoy each day. It has been a tough journey but one that is definitely worth it. I see a light at the end of the tunnel and someday soon I will not owe anyone money anymore (other than school loans), and I will have our own place in MN! Life is good!

Love, Texas, Kids, Future!

2011-06-08T18:58:00.000-07:00

So good news since the last time I posted. Brian got a job working for a framing company that builds houses. He loves being outside. Best part is...it's in MINNESOTA!!! I absolutely love having him around all the time. It sure beats Skype!!
We came down to TX to see what we can do to get out of our lease here early. It was to go through Feb. 2012, but thanks to a friend who did some checking for us, once we give notice the apartment complex has to "make good faith effort" to re-rent. That doesn't release us from paying until it is rented again though. Hope it happens sooner than later. $1000 a month for a 2 bedroom with 2 garages is killing us money wise. Although finding a place to store this stuff once we get out of the lease... a bit of a challenge. Moving things from across the country is proving to be a bit of an expensive challenge. So if anyone knows of a way to move 2 vehicles and "Texas" sized furniture let me know. (BTW- neither vehicle is running). Just one more challenge to overcome.

It has been very busy working 2 jobs. I rarely get a day off, which is a good thing as far as getting paid, but it takes a toll on this old body of mine! I am really enjoying visiting with people from all over the country. It kind of surprised me the number of people that stay in Monticello and Becker from all over the place. People are generally very nice and love to visit. (One of my many specialties...talking) Although, I do have to say that doing laundry, vacuuming, making beds, stripping beds, making cookies, doing dishes, balancing the money.... you would think I was managing my own home. I feel like I have 2 very big houses to keep in order! Yikes!! But I love it.

I am in Texas and enjoying having time off from work and just spending it with Brian. No real plans until we figure out money to move his stuff. We do have to go to his daughter Ambre's home and move out some of his stuff he had there when he was living with her. She is selling her house. I'm happy for her. It will be good to be able to get out of the mortgage when it sells. She needs a new/fresh start and she is on her way.

Kristine is a go-go dancer along with driving for the bus company over the summer. It surprises me how many people think that a go-go dancer is a "stripper"!! UGH so far from the truth! They dance with a band at a number of different clubs and all around have a good time! She is loving it and enjoying life. She is going to LasVegas with her boyfriend in a couple days to meet his dad. Funny how she is nervous but she is such an amazing person she really has nothing to worry about. Also, she is ready to go back to school in the fall. She has her AA degree, but is ready for more.

Luke graduated from HS on Friday, June 3rd. I am so glad to be done with the school system. Also very glad he is done. He is not planning on going to school right away in the fall. He is taking a break. This will be very good for him. It will allow him to refocus on what he wants for his future and the best way for him to attain that. In the meantime he is working and saving up for a car. Yeah for Luke!

Long enough post for now. It's been awhile so I had a lot to catch up on.
God has me on a path, and I am seeing a direction now. I am still working on the "patience" part of the plan, but I/we will get there!! I appreciate and continue to ask for prayers for guidance, success, and staying within my goals.

Ugh! Ugh!! Ugh!!!

2011-05-24T09:07:00.000-07:00

So many potential changes coming about. I am now working two jobs, but still seem to have problems getting ahead with money. UGH! Need to find a strategy to get ahead. Now I don't have health insurance I need to buy my prescriptions at full price. Double UGH!!

I wish I could help my sister out and pay her some rent for my living here, but I can't seem to get ahead enough to do that either. She is very generous with me and allowing me to live here rent free but I feel bad about it. I will find someway someday to help her out for all she has done for me. She is an amazing person and always watches out for me and the family.

Brian is flying in tomorrow to look for work here in Minnesota. Texas is not proving to be where he needs to be. We need to find out if there is a way to get out of the lease though. We can't get a place up here and find pay for rent in two states. Triple UGH!!! Something has got to give soon. I am going crazy with worry (even though it does no good to worry). And if he does get a job up here, then we need 1st months rent, last months rent, deposit, etc.... then we need to find a way to move all his stuff from TX to MN. Quadruple UGH!!!!

So if anyone know any one who is hiring, let us know. He is going to be hitting the pavement hard to find something. He does not necessarily want to stay in construction as this is why he has to leave TX potentially in the first place- economy kinda sucks for that industry now.

Prayers, prayers, and more prayers requested. Help find me peace, Brian a job, and finding a way to make ends meet for all of us. Need God to show me the way and the answers. I am not seeing them on my own.

What's up with me??

2011-05-14T18:03:00.000-07:00

Ok so school is over and I am pretty sure my brain has "shut off" for the remainder of the spring and maybe even summer. I could very easily slip back into the "not memorizing things on purpose" way of life. But I find it also just as interesting that I am missing the intellectual stimulation and challenges that school brought/brings. I never thought I would say this again but I actually miss being in school. I think the fact that I am really enjoying the nursing classes has made the biggest difference. I need to find a focus for the summer that can be just as stimulating.

I am working most every day between the two jobs. The one in Becker is only short shifts for training right now. Quite a few similarities between the two hotels, but there is a difference in the presence of the people working at each place. Both have good aspects to them but one is definitely more in line with my way of thinking than the other one. Once again, God is teaching me patience or learning another new lesson. He sure has been preparing me for something big. Many obstacles that I am trying to overcome still.

Adjusting to life on my own is still challenging. I don't do "alone" very well. All I can say is "Thank you Lord for Skype!" I don't think I could get through everything without it. It's almost (very loosely termed) as good as being with the one you love when they live over 1000 miles away.... well not that good, but it does help out a lot! Keeps the smile on my face and determined to forge ahead with my plans. I really do wish there was the opportunity to take classes over the summer so I could stay in the "swing" of things and graduate sooner. Oh well, just one more obstacle to climb. I can see the bottom of this hill though!

Went shopping with my daughter yesterday. Love spending time with her. She has "ordered me to go to Texas" since I am not a good influence when it comes to shopping for her and limiting her to spending. We have similar tastes so I find a lot of things that she looks adorable in. She thinks I make her spend too much money...lol/

My son is working a lot. I miss seeing him everyday. He lives with his dad. He used to call or text me most every day, but now it is sparse. Not a fan of this. But I continue to try and find ways to connect with him. He is so intelligent and kind hearted. I always likes to tease me and gives me the biggest/best hugs!! Miss that. Evidently another obstacle, but one I will handle.

I'm still working on "adorable" for me. When your wardrobe does not need much besides jeans, tshirts, and scrubs (for school) you don't see the sense in buying much. Although I have to admit, I am secretly in love with Victoria's Secret!! That is a definite downfall for me! One hotel requires me to wear all black- with a lovely grey,black, and white scarf. Not much for variety there. The other hotel is business casual- which I can wear many of the clothes I wore when working at the hospital as the EVS Supervisor- they are all too big now, but I am trying to alter them with my sewing machine. Pants are a bit of a challenge but I am figuring them out. Now to try and alter my summer clothes. No sense buying new when I have perfectly good ones that just need to be taken in a bit. Hmmmm, surprising what one can learn to do with no money.

Off to chill for a bit with my man on Skype!

New job, school done, prayers

2011-05-12T09:44:00.000-07:00

Wow, it has been a busy couple weeks since school ended. It's hard to believe that one semester is over already for nursing school. I hope the following semesters go by just as fast. Got my school schedule for next semester, and it looks like it is going to be a busy semester.

Started a second job yesterday. I will be working the front desk at The Crossings Inn & Suites in Becker. I think I am going to enjoy this position just as much as the Best Western Chelsea Inn & Suites in Monticello. I interviewed for a housekeeping position but the manager was so impressed with me that they wanted me for Front Desk. Said I had a very good personality and professionalism about me. I am somewhat surprised how similar the hotel/hospitality industry is to healthcare. All my years of helping others has proven to be good training for this position. I think these jobs will also help my in my future in nursing and maintaining my customer service skills.

Brian is still looking for a job. It has been almost 3 months. He has been able to work odd jobs here and there to help pay his bills but it has not been easy. I say prayers everyday that he will find a job. He fills out applications regularly, makes follow up calls. No luck so far. He is waiting for return calls from a couple. Texas seems to have their own time when following up on filling positions. He has been trying to get a vehicle running (his two have both crapped out) and seems to be making headway but that takes money also. If you are reading this I ask that you pray that Brian get the job he is to have soon and that he finds a reliable means of transportation. Thanks!

I read that if your prayers are not answered right away it is because God is helping you grow into the person he knows you are. I sure hope this is not preparing me for a difficult life but rather helping to prepare me to understand others who will be possibly going through similar situations. I want to get into Home Health and Geriatrics after I graduate nursing school. I think this is a good fit for me.

Have a wonderful day readers of my blog.

New Day- New Life

2011-04-27T08:12:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a bittersweet day. I had my divorce hearing. Mark was pacing up and down the short little hallway. Reminded me of a caged animal (not in a bad way). So I took the initiative to make small talk with him. It was the first time we had seen each other since we separated. We have communicated via email and texting about the kids, but that is it. I think it helped to settle the mood a bit. The judge was very nice, smiled and talked very respectfully to us. Then in about 5 minutes- 25 years of marriage was done.

I am glad it is over, but it felt a bit weird. I am glad it was a mutual decision and we could do all the work ourselves without lawyers and such. It is so important to keep the lines of communication open for the kids. I truly pray that Mark find a woman to share the rest of his life with that lines up with his ideals and values. I miss his family, after all they have been a part of my life for a quarter of a century. I am hoping at some point to renew some of those relationships.

It is crunch time for school. I am so excited for it to be done with. I really wish there was summer classes so I don't lose the momentum, but the break will be probably be good for me. I have been taking classes straight through for over a year now. But I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. It is so nice to hear from patients and their families that they think I will be a good nurse. I have heard this from my friends, coworkers, etc for many years and I am just glad that I am finally following that dream. I have decided I would like to focus on geriatric and home health. (No real surprise to those who know me well). Fall semester will be our geriatric unit and I'm am super excited about it!

Brian is flying up for mother's day weekend. I am so excited! When I left TX I wasn't sure when I would get the chance to see him again but he already had plans to come to MN that weekend and surprised me with it! It seems kind of weird, but his parents are planning on driving to Monticello to meet my parents and kids. Sounds kind of "high schoolish" but I think it is important for everyone whom I love and care for to meet. It should be fun. We are also planning on going to Como Park Zoo and Sea Life exhibit at the Mall of America. I am hoping this crappy weather we have been having will clear up enough to go to the zoo.

Enough chit chat for now. Time to get back into the homework mode!! YEAH!!

Life... series of ups-n-downs

2011-04-23T16:04:00.000-07:00

Almost the end of the first semester of nursing school. Many little projects are due, one big clinical style test out (called a Benchmark), one cumulative exam, one quiz...and that's it! It has been a long semester with so many personal changes that it will be good to just settle on deciding what being "me" is all about. I know what I want for my future, just the journey to get it seems to be difficult. I guess it is supposed to make me "stronger" but I'm definitely NOT a fan of the struggle.

I wanted so badly to move to TX for the summer. (That was the original plan) I think it would have been a really good thing for me to get away from MN for a little while. It would be hard to move back to MN after the summer was over but it would have been with a goal of school. Wish my plan was also God's plan. Still struggling with that. I have prayed and have released it into His hands.

I mentioned before that the man who hired me for the summer closed his business. I secretly kept hoping he would make a turn around of things and all would have worked out, but that is not the case. Brian is still owed over $950 from work he has done and is not sure if he will get paid for his services. He continues to apply for jobs, works odd jobs for people he has worked for in the past. Brings in just enough to get him by, but not ahead. Bless his soul for continuing to try. He says he is a survivor and will make it through this too. I just pray that his good will happen soon. He is building a home over the next couple weeks in Witchata Falls. Brings in another months rent! YEA! Might turn into a more permanent position. Keep praying that he find regular, reliable work.

I am really enjoying my job at the Best Western in Monticello. I love interacting with people again. I have met so many new people that are from all over the country. Many of the guests there are working the outage at XCEL so they are at the hotel 6+ weeks. You get a chance to know them on a more personal level. I actually met someone who has a girlfriend in TX and was at the Kenny Chesney concert when I was. He flew to MN 2 hours before me. I do have a number of people there from down south who like to tease me about my "northern drawl"... ya.... you betcha.... etc!! Hoping to get more hours there. I make just enough each month to pay my bills and gas for school (provided gas doesn't go any higher)!! Would be nice to start paying back money I owe. (that's what my summer job in TX was supposed to do).

Life is a series of ups-n-downs. I thank all who pray for me and those who pray for Brian. It is making a difference.

Wonderful fun-yet tear jerking weekend

2011-04-17T21:10:00.000-07:00

What an amazing weekend. I flew into TX Thursday evening and spent 4 days in the bask of warmth! Flowers everywhere. In TX, the state flower is the Blue Bell. It is a wild flower that grows all over the place. It is illegal to mow them down until they are done blooming! So you get to see seas of bluish purple everywhere. It is sooo pretty. They also have prim roses growing wild all over too.

Went to the Fort Worth zoo on Friday. Spent over 4 hours walking through there. It was pretty amazing. Makes me want to go to Como Park again soon so I can compare the two. I haven't been to Como since my kids were little and I understand that they have made a lot of upgrades. It was fun to go with someone who was just as excited as I was to walk around and look at things. Seeing his excitement being able to share this place with me was wonderful. (I know gushy again, can't help it)

Saturday evening went to the Kenny Chesney concert. It was a blast. People everywhere by 1:00 pm and partying like fools. Concert started at 4:30 with Uncle Kracker and went on to the Zach Brown band and finished off with Kenny. Kid Rock came and sang with Kenny also. It was sooo much fun! I really partied more than my body was used to... needless to say HANGOVER started early that evening. By morning I was good. Let's just say this: Glad I bought a bucket of popcorn so I had a bucket for my ride home... It will be a long time before I party like that again. Don't know if I can handle that...lol.

Sunday I made Brian a German Chocolate birthday cake, with his favorite frosting (coconut, carmel, pecan). I even sang Happy Birthday to him. If anyone knows my singing skills this was kinda a big thing. I can sing in groups, with the radio, etc... but solos are not my forte`. All was appreciated. I wanted to make him his favorite meal of fried chicken and mashed potatoes, but neither of us was up to eating a big meal... (remember we partied all night before for his birthday). I will make it for him when I go see him again.

Only 18 days left til I take my last final for school this semester!! Then I am hoping and praying (and you can help by doing the same if you are reading this) that Brian will have found work, and I can move down there for the summer. He has a 14 month lease (no potential subleasers) so he cannot move up here. Not sure where we would live up here anyway. I live with my sister and her husband, which has been a blessing for me and school. They have been wonderful. I don't think they would want to have him move in with me. Still trying to see what plans God has for me so I can move forward with a positive planned outlook instead of a "fly by the seat of my pants" outlook. It has been a learning experience for me. All I know is I would really like to see him A LOT more. But if good things come to those who wait... well then I should get this soon enough.

Well off to study and then to bed. I have a presentation to give tomorrow morning, then a test, then an online test for med-term, then it is off to the hospital in St. Cloud to see who my patient will be on Tuesday. Do my clinical prep, then hopefully go to bed early. Tuesday's are killer- clinicals at the hospital 6:45-2 pm then off to the Best Western in Monticello to work 3-11pm. Love my Wednesday's off!!

WIN WIN WIN

2011-04-08T20:20:00.000-07:00

The famous words of my daughter: WIN! WIN! WIN! I am so happy for her. My beautiful girl got married this past October to her high school sweetheart only to find out he was unfaithful before they even got married, and continued to "be with" this person after they were married. I really wish I could have saved her from all of the heartache she had to go through. It has been hell for her! But she has come out stronger and better than ever.

I am a believer that everything happens for a reason. I believe that she had to go through this to be able to close that part of her life. It was not an easy thing for her to do, but she did it with grace and dignity. I am so proud of her!! I know she is happier now than she has EVER been, and has found herself and does things for herself now- not just to please others.

My son is doing fairly well with school. He is so smart, but just does not see the sense in doing homework. Which has made it a bit of a struggle. He takes total responsibility for his actions. He took control and go things all straightened out with teachers, got everything all done just in the nick of time (end of semester). He has a plan to stay ahead of the game this last semester of the school year!! I will be so glad when I am done with the school system. I think his idea of taking a year off will be good for him next year. He needs to find a focus and a goal. He knows what he wants to do for a future job (aeronautical engineer) but needs a break. He is growing up into such a level headed, even tempered young man. He is definitely going places!!

Me, school is winding down- or should I say winding up? A lot of projects and testing for the end of the semester, but I am handling it. Getting back into the work force has been good for me. I got offered another job, and they will work with my schedule at the hotel. Waiting to hear back the details. I would like to see if they would wait until I am done with the semester. Then it is called: WORK ALL I CAN!! Get caught up on paying people back that I have borrowed money from, and keep enough to make it through next semester. Big goals, but might as well go for it!!!

Not sure I will be living in Texas this summer. Job fell through, and Brian is still waiting for a response from 2 interviews he went on this past week. To top it off, his truck broke, just got the Corvette running again and it started into the same issue it had before and had to get it towed, to get truck parts- he had to walk to Auto Zone and Napa (over 10 miles round trip)! No one around to give him a ride. Not quite sure what God's plan is for all the struggle, but he will survive this. He is a fighter!! I sure wish I could move him up here and find a job.

Enough for now. Just random thoughts that were running through my head!

If you are reading this, please say a prayer for Kristine, Luke, Brian, and me.
Thank you!!

Ready, Set, Go!

2011-04-05T15:52:00.000-07:00

Last night was probably one of the more brutal nights in preparing for school. Had to go to the St. Cloud Hospital and find my assignment for the next morning. That part was easy, so was introducing myself to the patient I would be taking care of the next morning (along with the primary RN). Then came the intensive "homework" on my patient. Assignment: go through every part of their medical record, finding past history, current issues related to admission, lab values (knowing what is within normal values and what is not), vital signs, eating habits, family, and then the "list of all the medications" they are currently on, including any nonprescription OTC medications they may be taking. Then find all the interactions, nursing diagnosis, side effects, pharmacokinetics on the med, drug/drug interactions..... and the list goes on. We were able to purchase "premade" drug cards which is all well and good until the patient is on a medication that is not in the "box"... then you make your own! Lots of work there.

Once you have all the information you can possibly extract from their medical record, you need to develop a care plan, which includes: nursing diagnosis, desired outcomes, goals to help patient achieve this outcome, nursing implementations to help achieve this goal....etc. Thank goodness we only have to do this times total, and only for one patient each week. I think next time will be easier because I will know what to do and things won't be so "scary" and new.

Today we "worked" at the hospital. One on one with a single patient. Being responsible for head to toe assessments, vital signs, charting, and personal cares: loved it!! That was a welcome change from what I was used to working at the nursing home. (12+ residents for cares, and/or 26 on a wing for medications) A whole new appreciation for the work that the nurses do that is not so visible. It is not just "passing pills" and giving IVs, etc. I knew all this ahead of time. I had participated for a number of years in care plan development when working at the nursing home. My patient today was elderly...I really love working with that generation. I want to specialize in geriatric population. But my first goal is to graduate with my BSN (4 year RN degree). May 2013 here I come!!

Adjusting to changes

2011-04-02T06:44:00.000-07:00

I started a new job on Wednesday this week. I am working at the Best Western Chelsea Inn in Monticello as the Front Desk Manager. I think this is a good fit for school. Once I get settled in, I should be able to get homework done and studying in the "down time". It is a fairly relaxed atmosphere. I am kinda excited to be working again. It is definitely taking some adjusting to my sleep schedule. I am used to being in bed by 10pm at the latest (unless doing homework). Working til 11pm and driving home, I now don't get into bed until almost midnight. Mornings come very early!!!

Some of my job duties include: making cookies, making soup (they have an open soup supper for all guests), dusting, doing dishes, folding laundry.... sounds like duties I have done most of my life...haha. I do obviously register guests as they come for their stay, make reservations, etc. It works well for me at this point in my life. Not very stressful (which I love!) so going to work is rejuvenating!! The people I work with are very nice also. I will be on my own eventually, but right now all is good!

School: We will be starting our clinicals this Tuesday. It will be fun (yet scary) to be "in charge" of a patient. We are not really on our own- we cannot do meds without our instructor. But doing assessments and other vital patient cares- we will be. I'm not nervous about the patient part. I am more nervous about writing care plans that are appropriate/correct and using the hospitals electronic record system. There are so many places to enter information but once I get used to it, I am hoping it will go smoothly.

Of course with the closing of the semester also comes all the final projects. I have yet to figure out why professors choose to have the majority of presentations/research etc all due at the end of the semester. I personally would find it more beneficial to spread these projects out throughout the semester. I have 4 projects due within the next 5 weeks. All are group oriented projects, so it's not like I can work on them by myself on my own schedule. It is difficult to get together with groups when we all have such varying schedules. Oh well, such is life!

I continue to have my faith challenged daily. Not because I have a lack of belief in Christ and his plan for me. But adjusting to things being done on His Divine schedule instead of what I think I want. It will all work out. I know this. Struggles just make me stronger. The saying is "God never gives you more than you can handle". I had someone tell me- "I sometimes wish God didn't have so much faith in me". I understand that more now than ever. There is always a Divine purpose and I keep my faith and pray all day long (I really do) for answers to come to me/ or to be guided in the right directions. Things are not done on my schedule0 but His schedule. That's my struggle.

Each new day is a new beginning. Faith, love, hope, and prayer are what get me through each day. I am blessed!!

I am strong

2011-03-28T13:13:00.000-07:00

If God only gives us what we can handle I must be a very strong person. So many obstacles to overcome so often. I know it is Satan working on me to discourage me, but sometimes it is very hard to stay strong and positive. I will be ok, I know that, but I am sooooooo NOT enjoying this struggle. I always try to figure out the reasons behind the struggles. It seems to help me understand why I go through them. It is just hard this time because I cannot see (in my eyes) why this struggle of no income and no prospects of income are opening up for me.

Today I found out that the Computer Repair shop that fixed my computer the first time around cannot fix it this time. They said the computer works with the battery but there is no way to charge the battery. The port you plug into continues to "smoke" and burn. This is NOT the kind of information I needed to hear just 5 weeks prior to the end of the semester. Especially with 4 major projects due, that require a lot of emailing, research online, etc...

I have borrowed so much money already and I really hate it. It makes me feel inferior having to ask for money. Then when I get told "cash in your plane ticket to Texas" it doesn't help. If I could have cashed in my ticket I would have done this a long time ago. My ticket is not refundable. I don't easily ask for money. It is a struggle for me to do this. I offered up jewelry, etc to try and get money, use as collateral. I try to figure out options before asking for another loan. The recurring thought in my head is "why are you going to school if you can't afford it". But I am going to school to better myself so I can afford to "take care of myself". I am just stubborn enough to stay in school to prove that I can make this work. I am just running out of options.

I do have a job interview tomorrow. My sister said "you leave for TX in about a month and a half. It's not really fair to an employer at this point is it to work and quit right away." That is another struggle I have. I have a couple of jobs potentially lined up in Texas for the summer. I am going there regardless of whether I have a job lined up or not. I think it will be good for me to be "self reliant" for a little while. But I do feel bad about taking a job without telling them I am leaving soon. I was not raised to decieve, and that is what I feel like I would be doing if I don't tell them. On the other hand, I am REALLY REALLY struggling financially and have absolutely no money. And I guess I don't worry about that until I actually get offered a posititon somewhere.... GRRRRR

You never know how strong you are until strong is the only option you have!! I am STRONG!

Times are changing

2011-03-21T16:43:00.001-07:00

Times are changing with school. We are getting ready to head into clinical in about 2 weeks and it is getting very real and very scary all at the same time. I am excited to get into the clinical setting. But we will be experiencing a number of "firsts" on real patients. The state does not allow student nurses to practice giving injections or start IVs on each other now. (Mind you I don't relish the though of others poking me with a needle) but I would have preferred my first few times doing this be on a classmate rather than a patient in a hospital. YIKES!! We do have mannequins and "dummy" arms and pads to practice on but I just don't think that quite compares to the real human skin. How would you like to the be the patient that hears "I'm a student nurse and this is the first time I am performing this procedure...". Not sure that's what we say, but it would be an accurate statement. Our nursing professors will be with us walking us through the steps and make sure everything is good, but still.....

Job hunting is still not going well. I can't even keep track any more of the number of jobs I have applied for. Now to make matters worse, Brian's boss closed his business (he was the one who hired me for the summer) and so now I am looking for a job in Texas too! I still plan on moving down there for the summer, but now I'm looking for 2 jobs instead of one! Nothing like a challenge. I just picked up a couple more applications for hotels around Monticello and Becker for front desk or housekeeping. I found a home care agency in Waxahachie that I am applying for.... Things would be awesome if both jobs worked out!!! I continue to say prayers every night. My impatience gets the better of me sometimes.

Brian is starting up his construction business again. He is very talented. He has worked construction all his life, and puts his heart into his work. I've had the opportunity to work with him a few times when I visited him and you can see how much he enjoys what he does. I am proud of him and his determination to make this work for him again. He is too talented not to be doing this type of work. He does any type of job no matter how small. Today he was hooking up appliances for someone, next week he is remodeling a shower, and also has some work lined up doing deck repair, trim work, etc. I think it would be really cool if his business really took off and I could work with him over the summer! Love watching him work.

I think it is funny how I am going to Texas- me... the homebody out of the four kids in our family!! I never ventured far from home and always teased (kinda) that I would move wherever my parents moved to. Now in a couple of years I plan to move to Texas. Of course I have 2+ years of schooling to finish first. Texas still is experiencing a nursing shortage (MN is currently not, nor is Wisc or Calf). Texas is also a part of a nursing compact- which basically means that if I take my nursing boards in one of the states that belong to this compact I can work in those states. I believe there are 13 states in this compact. I can work in any state as a nurse once I pass my boards, but I have to apply to be licensed in each of them. Kind of like a teaching license, but I don't see any benefits (other than states gettting additional money from application fees) for having to apply to be able to practice in each state individually. Seems to me if they have the same test, you should be able to practice anywhere. Each facility would have its own policies and procedures to learn anyway. It might happen in the future.

Well enough for now. Need to get back to the books so I can be one step closer to my dream!!

New day

2011-03-17T14:21:00.000-07:00

So you know how when other things happen to other people it puts your own problems into perspective? Well that's kind of what has happened to me this week. My problems of no job, missing my significant other, etc. are nothing in comparison to what others have had to endure this week. I do know that God sees all of us as individuals and helps each of us to find answers to our own problems, but sometimes we just want things fixed without having to struggle so much to get there.

My daughter reminded me this week that sometimes things need to get really bad before they can get good again. All I did was ask her to pray for all those in need. Especially Brian and his daughters this week. (Not going to put details in here, but just say a prayer that all will turn out for the best). That's what I am doing. I am also praying for me but sometimes I feel guilty asking God to help me when others seem to be in so much more in need of his help than me. But then I remember how great he is, and how everyone is important to him and he is there for everyone regardless of the size of their problems. So I remember to pray for myself, my 7 Godchildren, my own children, my family, and my friends. I also everyday pray for those whom I do not know that need comfort and consoling, food and shelter, and just happiness in life. It always makes me feel better to pray. Prayer is an incredible power that should never be taken for granted.

This week school is going well. I got "A"s in both of my classes that had quizzes. Reassures me that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing right now. My last post kinda portrayed my doubts, but I was reassured by friends in the nursing program, family, and friends I've had for a long time that this is the right path for me. My daughter reminded me that I get this way each time I have to say good bye to Brian, but Brian and I are strong and can handle this. He is very supportive of my schooling. I am excited to be in the program. I think each time I am confronted by doubt it is Satan trying to stop me. I have the feeling down deep that there is something really really really good that I will be doing once I am a nurse (not sure what it is yet) and that Satan tries to prevent my completing the nursing program. He is pretty good at it! But I am stronger with the help of God, my family, and my friends. I will conquer and be successful. I know it won't be easy, but I am stubborn enough to do this!!

Still no job prospects. Frustrating. The job I had lined up in Texas over the summer is not looking very promising. Benji (Brian's boss) laid him off last week, but called him today to work again and should be able to pay him the back pay he owes him. Has more jobs lined up, so hopefully things work out for Brian. I am going to work on getting my CNA certification back before the end of school, and maybe work as a CNA in the nursing homes or hospitals down there this summer. I know the hospitals are hurting for help. Then when I come back to MN, I will look for jobs as a CNA up here. Hard part is that in the nursing program, student get no say in their schedule.

The nursing program is set up to accommodate the 40 of us (that all that's admitted each semester out of over 200 that apply) and needs to be set to work for the limited number of professors and class times available. But it will all work out. After this semester ends (only 7 more weeks) I will only have 4 semesters left!! I am having to learn to write papers again. Which is not too bad. Having to learn a specific style of writing has been my biggest obstacle but I have prof. willing to help if needed, and online programs that help a lot too! There is something to be said for being an "older" student, because I have people on both ends of the spectrum willing to see that I have a strong knowledge base to build upon and yet don't understand a lot of the digital world. Love my classmates!!

Goodbyes are so hard

2011-03-13T18:17:00.000-07:00

Why is it so hard to say good bye to something that you know is so right? I'm talking about every time I have to leave my cowboy. Either when I am flying home from Texas or he is flying home from MN. It is so hard. We truely belong together. I have no doubts in my mind about that whatsoever. But the hardest part of being together is having to say goodbye. I really really really do NOT like it one bit. Even though we know we will see each other again, it hurts my heart so badly. I cannot even being to explain how it feels every time I have to tell him goodbye.

I have never been as happy in my life as when we spend time together. We are absolutely and completely in love. I know it sounds like a teenager speaking but I cannot explain how right we are together. We complete each other. I believe we are soul mates. He is getting me to enjoy life again. He is teaching me to do things that I want, asks me my opinion, listens to my needs, and tells me that my decisions are mine alone, and to do them for me. That brings me to my next dilima.

School....I finally got into nursing school. I am good at the classes and love what I am learning. But I keep wondering why I want to be a nurse? It started out cuz I want to care for people. But I can do that in many ways. Then it came down to money. I want to be able to have a "good life" and not "want" for things. That sounds very selfish. Do I want to go into a career change (when I graduate, I will be 1 month shy of turning 50), and I am already having a very difficult time finding a job doing anything. Are prospective employers going to hire someone who is 50 over someone who is 20+ knowing I'll retire in about 15 years or so?? I don't know. I understand there are many options that will be available to me to apply my nursing degree (or so I'm told), but that is what I was told about getting a degree in Education also.
When I ask Brian what I should do, he says it is what ever I want. He will not make the decision for me to stay or to leave. He will (and does) support whatever decision I make. My son says I should do what makes me happy, not do what everyone else expects me to do.

I do know that I cannot continue to go to school without a job. Not having any money makes a person feels useless (to a point). Here I am 47 years old and need to borrow money just to live cuz I am over qualified for most jobs or don't have the right training for other jobs. I "dumbed myself down" on the last few applications just so I can potentially get interviews. School is about $15000 per year and I will be in debt over $50000 by the time I'm done. I keep wondering if I am supposed to be doing this. But why then would I have been led down this path to attend nursing school if that wasn't what I am supposed to do? School is working so well for me cuz I haven't been working and can spend my extra time studying. Which, trust me, has definately helped me a lot. But I NEED an income. I cannot pay for phone, car insurance, gas, etc without one. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place (that's the saying and I really understand it now).

I am so lucky that my sister is letting me stay with her rent free. She has been remarkable at helping me with my living situation and things in general. And my parents have been wonderful too borrowing me money just to survive. If it weren't for my family, I would be in a really bad place. Both of my children are so supportive of my getting divorced (they both say we whould have done this a few years ago), and they are wonderful support for me. But I don't want to rely on others for support. I like to be the one supporting others. Grrr!!

So, do I stay in school for 2 more years continuing to go further into debt and be away form someone who makes me feel important, complete, beautiful, and worthwhile just by being me? or should I move on and find a job and get on with life? I know the decision is mine and I have to do what is best for me. But I don't know what that is because if I would decide not to go to school I would disappoint sooooo many people. I have a lot of people rooting for me. My cowboy supports me no matter what, but I want him to be around me more. He can't live up here cuz of health issues and our weather, and I can't go there cuz of school. He has offered, but also doesn't have work up here. He does remodeling, and that type of work is hard to find. Again.... grrrrr!!!

Ok, enough for now, just feels good to write stuff out. I need to get back to studying.

Texas

2011-03-06T17:18:00.000-08:00

I've been in Texas since Thursday evening. It is sooo much fun to be down here. I am enjoying every moment I get with the special man in my life. We have been just sitting around for the most part being lazy. On Saturday, his 2 oldest daughter had Brian do the inspection for the home her and her boyfriend are buying. It is a very pretty home and passed all the inspections Brian put it through. Brand new home, just outside of Dallas. Wish the two of them the best of luck in home ownership!
Kristine called yesterday when I was shopping. She is so excited to have a boyfriend again. After the marriage (that really never began) was over, she was not in a very good place. But she has since found what she enjoys in life and has been having a good time with friends she had lost touch with. So happy for her (even though she said I failed in the excitement level). I will have to work on that for her! lol
Letting Luke use my car while I'm in Texas. He is driving an older '95 Dodge Dakota that is on it's last legs and costs him "both of his legs" to put gas into it. I wish I could help him out and find him a car, but not in a good position financially right now to do that.
That brings me to my biggest frustration. I have been without a job for what seems to be forever! I interview well, but evidently others have what the employers are looking for. I have filled out so many applications I have lost count. Problem seems to be my past work history (making decent money and in higher positions of authority) does not make me marketable for minimum wage- weekend type of jobs. I am beginning to think I should tell people I have not worked for many years to see if that would help. But then I will be told I don't have any experience. I see ads for Home Depot, McDonalds, Gas stations, and I apply but never get called for interviews. I did go on a couple of interviews in home health as a PCA but so far without success. Grrr.
I am moving to Texas for the summer and working construction with Brian. He seems to have a lot of work, but his boss doesn't always get paid timely by customers, to pay the employees (Brian). But I am hopeful and have been praying a lot more than I usually do (which anyone who knows me is A LOT!) and many prayers are being answered with "yes". Good things are in store. Brian is trying to teach me patience (not something I am particularly good at). There are a number of different jobs I can get down here if I choose not to work in construction but I did buy a hot pink tool belt, lol.
Well, back to my vacation! It is going by very fast and I really want it to slow down a bit. Working tomorrow with Brian at a woman's home I was at 2 months ago. She is adorable! Can't wait to see her again. Good bye for now!!

Getting excited

2011-03-01T14:20:00.000-08:00

Spring break is almost here and I am so excited. I am going to be with "my man" in Texas. I love traveling and flying on planes. Whenever I pick up Brian at the airport or he picks me up, I try to find a new pretty dress to wear. I love dressing up. It is so much fun, and he just lights up when he sees me. It puts a skip in my heart. (sappy I know, but it's true).It is the goodbye's at the airports that are not so fun. Always involves tears, but know we will see each other the next month helps a bit.
My new friends in my nursing program make school so much fun!! Some time I may need to tell you all about the "pack" that was made with them (it won't work for me- lol). It's a riot!! We seem to all "click" together. We have quite a wide variety of backgrounds, but it works for us. I of course am the oldest in the group, but they definitely keep me thinking young. I don't feel as old as I am, although, I don't know how old I am supposed to feel. So maybe I'm actually feeling just perfect!
We had a Pet therapist visit our class at SCSU on Monday. This job he does is so amazing!! If I could work as a volunteer and not have to worry about finances I would totally do this. This dog is credited with bringing 4 people out of coma's, diagnosing areas of pain in patients, doctors have actually asked the therapist to have the dog see people, it brings down people's B/P, pain levels, and sooo many more things. He works at St. Cloud Hospital. He has been on KARE 11 and Animal Planet for his extraordinary dogs. WAY COOL.
Today the reality of "nursing" is setting in. We did orientation all day on Electronic Medical Records at the hospital, and seeing all the capabilities of the system humbles oneself. It will be so nice when we start our clinicals and put things into "practice" that we have been learning in class. Scary and exciting all at the same time.

New day new adventure

2011-02-26T18:55:00.000-08:00

So today my daughter decided that I need to start a blog of my own.
She has one of her own and so does my sister in law.

Not sure what I should be writing about.
So many changes in my life over the past few months.
As I continue to discover the new path that lays before me, I am going to learn to enjoy life again.

My son is a senior in high school, struggling also with figuring out his future.
Wish I could do more to help him with this quest, but it is one he needs to find his way on his own.
I am there for guidance and love and support. And always will be.
He is strong, smart, and an independent thinker. He loves his family with his whole heart and soul.

My daughter is finding out who she was meant to be also.
She is tenderhearted, strong and loves life again.
I am proud of the woman she is becoming.

As for me, I have found a new person to enjoy life with- his name is Brian.
He lives in Texas, so a long distance relationship is our challenge.
We get to see each other for close to a week each month flying back and forth.
He is amazing and makes me smile, feel alive, and appreciated.

I got into nursing school this spring semester and will graduate in Spring of 2013 with my BSN.
It is fun to be taking classes in which I know the information to some extent.
It is interesting to me. My impatience of wanting it done now, is something I have to deal with.
NOT very excited about all aspects of nursing (being in charge of others) but there are many avenues into which to put myself. I want to be a "worker-bee". Someone who is there for the patient and taking care of their needs. I really enjoy the geriatric field, so maybe I will be working with them when I graduate.

New life, new beginnings.
Look out world.... here I come!!